If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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