we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
