i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
