i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
