You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
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U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
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My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing