im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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