suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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