took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
