Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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