if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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