maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
