Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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