I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
