Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Bring me that man meat
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
