i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Randomize
