so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
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you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
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I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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