Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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