My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
