she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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