I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
