You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
