somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
