The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
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I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
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I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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