her vagina looked like bernie madoff
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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