so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
