I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
