Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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