i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
