Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
