I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
