You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
