Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
