why didn't you poke me back
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
