I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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