I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
