his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
