btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
