omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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