I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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