Betty ford says i'm here all night
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
