Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
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