You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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