genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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