I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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