Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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