Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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