in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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