i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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