she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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