someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
