Moan for me like Helen Keller
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
