Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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