I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize