Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
BRING THE BAGELS
Randomize
