Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
