Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
