Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
