so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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