Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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