I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
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