I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
