Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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