I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
