Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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