so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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