i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
