im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So squirting runs in the family.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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