Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
