im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the condom got lost in my hair
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
