don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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